He took her hand
And smiled her name
Her face like yours
She smiled the same

From what I remember
Been so long since last December
She walked your walk
She talked like you

She shimmered strong
She shined right through
From what I remember
I said I seen a girl

With a guy
So who I’d seen
So who am I
Now I can’t remember

Been so long since last December
So I’m sending
Up the ladder
To the perfect doorfront

I’m still mighty tiny
Hoping that you’d be my little godsend
Because right now I’ll take any and blindly
Before I find another noose to fit us

Before we choose another hand to hit us
Let us ask each other
What’s the difference
Because if you save yourself

I’ll save you all the time
Open letter to the ligeance leering
Ah, we entertained you
Why don’t you cast your gaze into the moonlight clearly

Cause my love, my love is a suckerbat
Before I find another noose to fit us
Before we choose another hand to hit us
Let us ask each other

What’s the problem
Why don’t you save yourself
I’ll save you all the time
Because if you save yourself

I’ll save you all the time
Now what’s to blame
Save yourself, I’ll save you all the time
Now what’s to blame

Save yourself, I’ll save you all the time

[TV On the Radio, 'Blind']

We knew it was coming someday, but not how it would feel. That day was last weekend, and I feel lost, relieved, downtrodden, wistful, mournful, sad, angry, detached. I feel like I lost her long ago; I found her once – the real her – only to have her taken away. As things worsened perhaps we grew apart, but mostly because she pushed me away. But the feelings remained – I know how special she was. Even this feels weird as it is written in the past tense, something I have actively avoided. Until now.

I look at our beginnings – the excitement and wonder, the realisations of potential and the anticipation which inevitably built. Sharing intimacies in the deepest night, finding things which had never been found before, or which would have been lost forever. The things that happened to keep us apart defy belief. But if we hadn’t been apart would it be even harder to let go? For I know that is what I must do.

Overall it is such a waste. Such a wonderful, amazing, talented person gone, and so young. She was the brightest star in my life, ever. Someone who complemented me so completely, gone. Never to come back. No more sweet nothings, no half-day phone calls, no amateur poetry (well, perhaps she was a pro), no more discoveries, no more chance of recovery, no more hope. At least for her there is no more suffering.

How do you deal with that? Who knows what happens now? I am hoping she will talk to me, but so far there has been nothing. We talked about this many times. She believed in past lives, I’m not sure what I believe. Maybe it is just darkness. When I stared down death and thought it was all over there was nothing but darkness. But I still feel a presence. Will you guide me? You were the only one who could tell what I was thinking before I thought it; who could show me what I was looking for. I miss you.

Life can be cruel, and sometimes seems devoid of sense or reason. But for the living, we have no choice but to look forward, or to give up on life completely. So we must look forward.

Wherever you are, somehow I think you’re smiling at me. Is it a smile of sadness? Or of happiness? Through these tears, I’m smiling at you too. A happy smile, but a sad smile. A smile for memories that never came to pass, but for all that you gave me. You will always remain in my heart, waga koibito. I hope we can meet again some day, some time, some where. And I hope we can find true happiness again.

One is that everything that has happened in the past 18 months to two years has changed me irreversibly. And I have to go forward from here. Sure, I feel empty and unfulfilled a lot of the time, but when one star burns so brightly in your life, and then it becomes a distant flicker no matter how hard you look for it….well there’s nothing you can do. It’s just not coming back. That is hard to come to terms with, and I guess I haven’t, or hadn’t, but recognition is a step forward (maybe?).

The next is that the thing I am most afraid of is myself. I worry about being a “failure”, but my aspirations and success criteria (how very consultant) are self-determined. I put pressure on myself, forces that no-one sees or is aware of except me. I need to let go of my pre-conceptions. I need to free myself from myself. Once I do that, perhaps I will find the inner peace which I have, up until now, been looking for in places and things. Sometimes we have to look in instead of out. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. But such perspective is hard to come by, and keep in mind.

I also feel, for some reason unbeknownst to probably anyone, as it makes no sense, is that I actually feel slightly afraid of just being myself. That smacks of a deep lack of confidence, but I wouldn’t say that about myself. It’s weird where these behaviours come from. And it’s weird how we can end up being or doing the exact opposite of how we want to be.

Who am I trying to please? As long as it is not myself, truly, then how can I be content. I need to think about what I want, rather than what I think I should be doing. Though it’s also possible to think too much, when action is what’s required.

I have been thinking about how defining one’s own reality means you can pretty much live how you want. I.e. the idea that as long as you believe strongly in something, that it’s true, or the “right” way, then it is. As Tim Ferriss says, it’s not enough to simply think outside the box – we have to act outside the box too.

Options are a blessing, not a curse. Time to take positive thinking to the next level?

This is perhaps more candid than I’d usually care to publish, but whatever.

Go with the flow.

“She’ll be back”,
That’s what i said,
As i stare at the ceiling.

‘Cause i need you baby.
Oh, how i miss you baby.
‘Cause i need you baby.
Oh, how i miss you baby.

[RJD2, Hidden Track (from the album Deadringer)]

And when it gets too late
I’ll be chasing you home
And when it gets too late
I’ll be chasing you home

Is this the dawning of a vacant age
I’m turning over to a ripped up page
You look around with every step you take
‘Cos someone’s watching every move you make
Is this the morning we’ve been waiting for
You think you’re walking through a shining door
You wait for nothing and it never comes
At least you know you’re not the only one

And when it gets too late
I’ll be chasing you home
And when it gets too late
I’ll be chasing you home

Everything I needed
Everyday I know

And when it gets too late
I’ll be chasing you home
And when it gets too late
I’ll be chasing you home
I’ll be chasing you home

['Everyday', Planet Funk]

But I could fly away,
Or I could be no one.
And you could be the
Sunshine falling over the Mountain

And you could come to stay
Yes you could come right home
Don’t see why I have to
Live this life all alone.

I know there is a way to make up for old Mistakes
And I know what’s happening is for a reason
I know…

['What You Want', John Butler Trio]