Death of a Star

Note: this is a very personal post. I debated for a long time whether to publish it at all, or just keep it private. For now I’ve set it visible again, but may change my mind at any moment! Grieving is a funny thing to deal with, especially as this was expected from a long while back. I’ve found it doesn’t change much about receiving the actual news, and I still wander around with the same emptiness; as if a part of me has died too. That is probably the best summary of my feeling – that I have lost a part that I can never get back. But this is life. Anyhow it is entirely impossible to do any kind of justice in writing to this person. This is merely a scribbling of my thoughts right after I found out she had passed away.

***

We knew it was coming someday, but not how it would feel. That day was last weekend, and I feel lost, relieved, downtrodden, wistful, mournful, sad, angry, detached. I feel like I lost her long ago; I found her once – the real her – only to have her taken away. As things worsened perhaps we grew apart, but mostly because she pushed me away. But the feelings remained – I know how special she was. Even this feels weird as it is written in the past tense, something I have actively avoided. Until now.

I look at our beginnings – the excitement and wonder, the realisations of potential and the anticipation which inevitably built. Sharing intimacies in the deepest night, finding things which had never been found before, or which would have been lost forever. The things that happened to keep us apart defy belief. But if we hadn’t been apart would it be even harder to let go? For I know that is what I must do.

Overall it is such a waste. Such a wonderful, amazing, talented person gone, and so young. She was the brightest star in my life, ever. Someone who complemented me so completely, gone. Never to come back. No more sweet nothings, no half-day phone calls, no amateur poetry (well, perhaps she was a pro), no more discoveries, no more chance of recovery, no more hope. At least for her there is no more suffering.

How do you deal with that? Who knows what happens now? I am hoping she will talk to me, but so far there has been nothing. We talked about this many times. She believed in past lives, I’m not sure what I believe. Maybe it is just darkness. When I stared down death and thought it was all over there was nothing but darkness. But I still feel a presence. Will you guide me? You were the only one who could tell what I was thinking before I thought it; who could show me what I was looking for. I miss you.

Life can be cruel, and sometimes seems devoid of sense or reason. But for the living, we have no choice but to look forward, or to give up on life completely. So we must look forward.

Wherever you are, somehow I think you’re smiling at me. Is it a smile of sadness? Or of happiness? Through these tears, I’m smiling at you too. A happy smile, but a sad smile. A smile for memories that never came to pass, but for all that you gave me. You will always remain in my heart, waga koibito. I hope we can meet again some day, some time, some where. And I hope we can find true happiness again.

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