Snow is Cold

Being drunk is no excuse for acting like an absolute $@*& (insert expletive of choice). Sadly last night was one of those moments of sheer obnoxiousness that you wish happened in a dream rather than reality. Perhaps I shouldn’t drink for a while. I’m so sorry :(

I’m off to my cousin’s wedding today, have been quite looking forward to it because it’s been YEARS since I went to a wedding. There were actually two in the past couple years, but one I missed due to post-graduation holiday and the other I was in Canada for and couldn’t afford to fly home and back. Evidently my family didn’t want me home THAT much as an offer of travel expenses was never extended! I was informed by my Nan that I would be lynched if I didn’t make the next wedding though, so I see this as both a moral obligation as well as a, er, sponsored drink-a-thon :)

Other exciting news - my new keyboard came today, a spaceship-esque Microsoft Natural Ergonomic Keyboard 4000. Wow, the marketing department did a good job with that catchy title didn’t they? Anyways, a fairly standard replacement for my aging and somewhat sticky (the key action, you filth) Fellowes Microsoft knock-off. One can’t price the value of one’s health. It slays me to see all these people in offices using the little prop-up stands that come on every keyboard out there. Increasing the angle of the keys is about the WORST thing you can do for you hands. I try to tell them… To be honest it’s stupid of the manufacturers to put them there in the first place.

Anyhoo, I better go put my threads on. Aquascutum and Daks are the order of the day ;) latersss.

Ok so tonight I know that I have to get up to go to work at around 7.30, and it’s after 1am… Doh! Curse you, natural cycle.

Whenever I know I don’t have to wake up for anything, I just CANNOT go to bed early.. It’s like a condition or something. This evening (or weekend even) I felt shattered, yet it’s 2am and here I am still awake, ruining my “normal” sleeping schedule that’s it’s taken months of working to get into. Doh. How quickly good work can be undone. I’m promising myself I’m waking up early tomorrow to get on with sorting out my life, but that’s fine - I always profess that sleep is for pussies. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up…

So irresponsible.

Two nights ago, whilst lying awake in bed during a not-so-uncommon-yet-not-regular-enough-to-be-an-issue bout of feeling low, emotionally, I found solace in the words of The Knife’s seminal ‘Heartbeats’:

One night to be confused,
One night to speed up truth,
We had a promise made,
Four hands and then away,
Both under influence,
We had divine scent,
To know what to say,
Mind is a razorblade.

To call for hands of above, to lean on,
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no.

One night of magic rush,
The start: a simple touch,
One night to push and scream,
And then relief,
Ten days of perfect tunes,
The colours red and blue,
We had a promise made.
We were in love.

To call for hands of above, to lean on,
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no.

To call for hands of above, to lean on,
Wouldn’t be good enough.

And you..
You knew the hand of a devil.
And you..
Kept us awake with wolves teeth,
Sharing different heartbeats,
In one night..

To call for hands of above, to lean on,
Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no.

To call for hands of above, to lean on,
Wouldn’t be good enough…

I don’t know how anyone can not feel touched by this combination of words & melody. I was actually listening to José Gonzalez’ recent re-rub, given that it’s rather more blissed out and tranquil than the original (and due to the time of day/night), but it’s very hard to choose a favourite of the two versions. I’m intrigued by different people’s reactions to the song, when listening I feel like there’s a deep rooted optimism in the song; that it conjures memories of good times gone by, yet others have said they think it’s extremely sad.. Perhaps their interpretation of memories is somewhat different to mine, yet the feeling is indeed the same. Who knows.

For some reason bed seems a particularly lonely place for me right now. I’m not sure if that’s due to renewed questioning of my direction, or just that I’ve fucked up my sleeping schedule over the weekend, but I feel like sitting in a New York café, watching life pass me by. I’m not sure why NYC was the place in my mind, must be the bustle, but I think the image is of wondering what other people are worrying about instead of focussing on my own concerns.. Losing oneself in the throng, surrounded by humanity.

As a pleasant coincidence, tonight (same deal) has allowed me to rediscover the wonderful melodies of Madonna’s ‘Ray of Light’ album - a masterpiece of production by William Orbit. Whether that’s sufficient compensation for lying awake, I’m not convinced.

Still, we shall remain upbeat…

How rude of me not to introduce the newest member of my “family”, acquired at the end of March.

Snap Tiff ;)

Fingers and toes crossed, we have a house… I went today to put a deposit down, which should mean that everything’s done and dusted bar us handing over our reference forms, which will be done by the end of tomorrow. It’ll be a relief to not have to sift endless listings anymore, and worry about al getting over-stressed :) but seriously, I can actually chill on the weekends without having to commute two and a half hours every few days, plus have an actual wardrobe to choose clothes from, what luxury! That’s most welcome after having spent almost the entire weekend in shorts and flip-flops, come rain or shine, lol.

Incidentally, Notting Hill is awesome. Loads of nice houses, not much ghetto, and funky bars and restaurants. They even have private parks, one of which me & Gurpal managed to get locked inside. Ha. And we were wondering why people were giving us strange looks.. Hrmm. Still, when you pay £6000000 (count those zeros) for a house I guess there have to be some perks..

Anyway, all things permitting, I shall be in Balham from the end of May. To metaphorically use the words of the great Stewie Griffin, of Family Guy notoriety,

“So broccoli, mother says you’re very good for me. Well, I’m afraid I’m no good for you!”

Bring it on.

It’s undeniable that mobile phones are a huge convenience, but when someone talks loudly, incessantly and in a pompous manner all the way from Paddington to Swindon I undeniably want to throttle them.. :)

For some reason i’ve felt the urge to make everything all pale today. As much as i liked the design how it was, there was something impersonal about it that just didn’t feel right for a site of this nature :/ anyways, as if i didn’t have enough on my plate, i’ll stick gradual overhaul on the list too. w00t. zzzz….

[edit] actually didn’t take much time at all! Funny how the fun jobs get prioritised (incorrectly) ;)

Yesterday evening on the train home, in a bout of melancholy rage at not having the proper audio codec installed on my laptop to watch the movie i was planning to, i wrote a long essay (or rant, rather) about my life, but i’ve decided not to post it here for two reasons. the first is that i really don’t think it’s for the world to see. i can personally appreciate it, but without knowing me and my capacity for introspection i just think it might come off as depressing. if only i could express myself more clearly. the second is that my friend fi made a (validated, probably) point a couple weekends ago that everyone she knows who maintains a blog sounds like a manic depressive, and i just don’t wanna be pidgeon-holed like that :) however if you feel like a good old light hearted read then email me - each case will be considered individually :)

I guess the reason WHY that is [regarding the manic depressives], is that the internet is a soundboard for those people - a friend who’s forever listening and never interrupts :) i mean you don’t HAVE to read those kinda posts, but i’ve found that it’s sometimes reassuring that others are in the same boat. plus, it relieves frustration and enlightens others to one’s angst, which may have otherwise gone unnoticed… ok i’m gonna shut up now.

Here’s a tune to listen to though whilst reading such jolly material: M83 - ‘Slight Night Shiver’.

Anyways what’s been up… well we’ve still not found a house and i’m OVER LOOKING. in fact i think it’s safe to say we’re all pretty damn fed up with it. ffs. househunting is like the most tedious thing ever, especially when your group are divided in their opinions of where, when and how [much]. what’s especially not fair is that my friend chris went for one viewing and took the first house he saw. how goddamn unfair is that?! ;) i haven’t even gotten onto jobs properly yet, and i should really be a bit more concerned about it given that i have approximately four days of part-time employment left until i’m officially done… decisions still have to be made but it’s just impossible. that’s probably why i wrote what i did before - fear of commitment and indecisiveness. i guess i have to admit that i’m a yujufudan hito :/ bah. still, nothing ventured nothing gained etc etc, so tomorrow is going to be dedicated to a marathon job sesh. come on.

Regarding choice of work, well, the best me & gurpal could come up with was that a solution would present itself. this was, however, after our brief conversation about how we’re both part believers in fate - so should i trust him? :) nah i’m sure that’s right and everything will be fine. i guess i just have to wait for the epiphany to happen.

As a testiment to how committed i am to finding a job though, instead of sitting in all afternoon and doing research on monday, i ended up going out drinking mid-afternoon in camden town… (you guys!) - the four pints were to sink any hopes of being productive..

That aside, had a fairly heavy weekend, which was capped by an excellent night out at cargo in shoreditch. especially when they played ’silent shout’ by the knife. what a fucking awesome tune/moment.

Reality is such a drag.