Snow is Cold

Ok I’ve started writing this at 11.59pm so I guess that qualifies it as New Years day. 2005 was an interesting year, it’s a shame though that the end hasn’t been as good as the beginning or middle.. In fact they’re two entirely different worlds, so direct comparison is just ridiculous. I will be quite happy to draw a line under the past few months if I’m perfectly honest. And even with going away on holiday the past few weeks have been particularly shit, much like when I first came home. The 2 months of going away every weekend were pretty fun, but after a while you just have to take a break. As I mentioned, the fact that I felt my Sunday drives home were becoming increasingly unsafe were a bit of a wakeup call :) Still we had a wicked night out last night. It would have been even better if it were just a regular Saturday night out, but at least I got a load of text messages around midnight to make self feel popular ;)

Now I feel I should be encouraged that the New Year brings with it the tide of change, as I’m not happy living this life… That said, a solid idea of what I’m supposed to do next would ease my (much reduced) anxiety. I’ve been telling people that I’m working here ’til the end of January, taking the whole of February to find a job & house, plus go away snowboarding for a week (of course), then move down to London last week in Feb. It sounds convincing, I suppose. At least the people I tell seem satisfied that I’ve given them a reasonable answer, heh. In reality, February is going to be spent refining my production work, as, in my heart, I’m hoping more than anything that something I’ve written will be picked up by a label, and things will unfold by themselves from there. That seems a somewhat unlikely proposition right now, having not finalised any material for the past 3 years, but one has to have a dream, right? I could perfectly well start looking for another job now, if I could be assed…

The other thing I’ve been telling people is that I’m going to find an IT job in a financial institution. The sole reason for this being that I see that as the best possible thing I can do right now insofar as keeping my options open, but in reality is anyone going to want to employ someone who is no more qualified than a new graduate? Well I’ve got some pretty good work experience since, I suppose, but I’m no more qualified on paper. Perhaps there’s a glass ceiling kind of thing going on here, and they beef up the job requirements just to sound intimidating… All that aside, I feel no less motivated to do that job right now than what I’m doing at the moment, but I suppose with the moving and everything I shall become rejuvenated! Something new, something fresh, something potentially exciting. God that sounds like a welcome proposition.

After that, then what? Will I be off to the far east this time next year? Will I fall in love with London and want to stay there for the near future? Will I go back to university the year after that? Am I going to emigrate? Are my immediate next steps even what I want to do? Oh, wonderful uncertainty. Where the fuck did this all come from? I used to be so laid back about everything in life. I can only assume that it’s been beaten into me by my family :/ bullshit. I wish they wouldn’t fucking ask me about what I’m going to do next, but I suppose it’s their right to have hopes and expectations. I guess I’m scared of being a failure :( *violins* I can’t see how that could possibly happen (lol), but without a hard-work ethic I don’t fancy my chances right now. I’m just too damn comfortable. Need a kick in the ass but those around me are no better.. Well uni peeps you seem to be doing ok, but home friends, ha, we’re just a bunch of wasters :)

Fuck it all. Screw the fact that money limits everything and (almost) everyone.

You better have some answers, 2006.

Oh yeah, happy new year. Happy being the operative word? ;)